I have chosen to include of course, the love part in our journey, where you find your mate have children but there are also some losses along the way...In my case, my husband and I just lost our second oldest son at age 29 on May 15th, 2015. He fell from his third floor balcony. It has been a time of adjustment. Real adjustment and a LOT of grieving and that is the reason for this blog: So many of us have journeys of both love and loss and here is where I am going to share some of mine.
God bless those who enter here. May He show, above all, that His grace is there for us when needed. And may He show you that no matter the loss, He loves you. Loss is a part of life, but when it becomes personal it seems that much more poignant. I know it has been for us. After having grieved my best friend *other than my husband* who was murdered in October of 2004, I had hoped to escape something of that kind of loss again. No such luck. I remember the first six years I could not talk of her without crying *and to this day, I still can't.* My stomach did flip flops and I had this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach for ages...now it does not leave me. It's back again. Each morning I wake, I'm okay for about the first couple of minutes and then my stomach starts to lurch. Some days are worse than others, or some days are better than others. It's all in how I see it that day.
Today I managed to get moving and bath the dog, and it didn't hit me until after that. But rest assured, it still hits. I would imagine it will be that way for a long time to come. When I first heard, I wasn't too surprised. See, our son was mentally ill. But it still hit us like a ton of bricks. We know it wasn't suicide. He's never been the type to either have suicide attempts or to suggest he'd commit suicide. I just think that GOD in His ultimate mercy took him now, to prevent something worse in the future. My son was giving and a caring young man and sometimes it meant caring for the wrong kind of person. So, regardless, I would not wish him back, except for maybe one more hug and kiss and then send him back to heaven to be with Jesus. He is free from the fetters of this earth and free from the fetters and limitations of Schizophrenia. He is free like an Eagle to soar without restraint and has freedom of his mind. What more could I ever ask for?
The stuff of Schizophrenia is what can strike fear into our hearts. It is a mental illness that is difficult. It's difficult to treat and hard to get individuals to stay on their meds. Finally, they were beginning to get things so they were 'livable' for my son. Meds were strong but he had to take them and finally, they saw that and would put out an arrest warrant should he miss his meds. He stuck to them religiously. (Finally, after years of on again,, off again when feeling better). Mental illness like this fractures families; it did ours, but it's nobody's fault, it's just the nature of the beast. You just do the best that you can with what you have and know, that's all anyone including GOD can ask of you.
We did our best. Now is the part of adjustment; and getting used to a "new normal." We will never get over this but we will learn to live a different life...and so we begin. We begin to navigate our lives without our son, Emeri. And we will forever remember his smile, his laugh and his "impish grin" when he had a practical joke up his sleeve. But we will miss him, even though we know he is in a better place.
Jenni
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